Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
