i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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