Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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