I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
