Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
