Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
