Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
