I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
