During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
