speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
worst night to have a conscience
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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