I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
