wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
