question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
