never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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