I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
