I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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