Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
