I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
