I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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