I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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