WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
