Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why do cheetos always look like penises
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
