I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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