Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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