Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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