My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
