He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
