let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
