I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
