i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
