yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
