Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
