Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
