At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
