I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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