I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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