The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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