Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
