is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
