What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
