I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
