fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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