Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
