you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
