She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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