I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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