You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
