Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
