Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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