I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
