I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
