im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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