70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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