he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
