If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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